David Roppo asked: You wake up one day and your relationship is shattered. Most of the passion that existed between the two of you is gone, and your mate says “I’m not in love with you anymore,” or “I don’t feel the same way about you.” Maybe you’ve recently separated, are in the mists of a divorce, or are in a relationship crisis. Even though it seems that the crisis appears suddenly, in many cases it does not. A relationship crisis usually builds slowly over time with one person caught completely off guard, and the other claiming that they are tired of trying and trying with no change. Many people are baffled when they find themselves in the mists of a relationship crisis, wondering what went wrong and how they can save their relationship! More often than not this causes the person on the receiving end to feel victimized, and they conclude that their partner is to blame. However, I have a different take on this, and have proven time and time again that nothing in your relationship or your life will change until you are willing to change from the inside out! Ok, I can hear you saying right now;
1. But, what about my husbands infidelity? That’s what caused our marriage or relationship crisis!
2. But, what about the way my partner tries to control everything I do?
3. But, what about the fact that my partner works so much and is never home?
4. But, what about the fact that my partner never spends any time with me?
5. But, what about my partners sarcasm, criticism and belittling demeanor?
6. But, what about the way my partner argues and fights with me?
7. But, my husband doesn’t listen to me!
Is he wrong for doing those things? Unequivocally yes, but placing all the blame on him isn’t going to get him to change his behavior. In fact, it will only destroy your relationship!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all condoning the above-mentioned behavior, but the fact remains that none of that will change until you do! You see, there is an underlying reason for your husbands behavior, and some of that may in fact rest with him. However, you won’t get him to change by telling him to do so, or by finding fault with what he has done. What if I said to you right now; you are completely to blame for your relationship crisis and you need to change. Did I make you angry? Do you resent me for what I said? Oh yes, I can see the steam coming out of your ears!!!!!!!! What makes you think for one minute that you’ll get a different reaction out of your partner????? Well, you won’t!!
You see, people resist change when they are being forced or manipulated to do so, but watch them change in a big hurry when it’s their idea! Its all about change isn’t it? If you could only get your partner to spend more time with you, work less often, be more understanding, more romantic, less sarcastic, less critical, less verbally abusive, less controlling, or completely monogamous then you would have the perfect relationship!
Have you ever gone to counseling, tried other relationship programs, or read any of the relationship saving books that are available today? If so, you’re probably familiar with the theories of communication, problem solving skills, and managing surface behaviors, as being the basis for saving a relationship. However, my success as a relationship coach over the past 5 years has proven that counseling theories are fundamentally amiss! Most counselors attempt to teach communication and problem solving skills, neither of which corrects the fears and insecurities that threw a monkey wrench into the relationship in the first place.
The question is; how do you get someone to change who feels they haven’t done anything wrong, or that their behavior is justified? You change the only side of the equation that you can. Yours! Thats right yours! If you even think for one moment that you can change your partner by blaming, criticising, or demanding it, you may as well sign the divorce papers or wave goodbye as he walks out the door! You can’t change someone! Only they can change themselves! But, you can get him to change by adapting to your behavior. In other words, you have to attract the change from him! Don’t believe me! Well, stop all of the blaming, criticising and arguing, present a statement of agreement to him and watch what happens!
For more information on drafting a statement of agreement subscribe to my free E-guide below!
Ok, I can hear you thinking again! Your probably saying;why should I change when it’s his fault, or how is changing my side of the equation going to make him change his behavior? Well, there isn’t an iron clad guarantee that it will, but it is my experience that 85% of the time that is exactly what will occur!!!
Let me ask you a serious question for moment, and I want you to ponder it long and hard;
If you don’t change from the inside out what will be different in your next relationship or marriage?
For a complete step by step E-Guide of the Secret Principles vist my site below.
Saving a Relationship
Best wishes,
David Roppo
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